True Bloody Vagina

I've recently finished season 3 of True Blood, HBO's response to average looking faggoty teen vampire romance, & I have to say it is indeed tolerable.

You know how vampire shit is so interesting to people because of its underlying sexual themes(penetration, fluid exchange)? Well, they just go whole hog in this show. Fucking allll over the place. Each episode pretty much starts out w/someone getting powerfucked. With some tits flying around. And then soneone gets murdered, sometimes mid coitus.

Anna Paquin is the main character & I enjoy her in things. There's also a gay black that I like.

The show isn't entirely devoid of substance, so if yer in the mood for mass carnage plus hard fucking, yer all set for a wild, sticky time.

Hall Pass....retch.

I had the misfortune of watching Hall Pass a few weeks ago. I enjoy Owen in things occasionally & I don't know who the fuck Jason Sudekis is but I thought 'hey, why not give him a chance'.

So the premise of this movie is that once couples get married & crap out a couple kids, shit gets stale & horrific. What to do?!?! The broad from The Office seeks the advice of dried-up twat Joy Behart who says she should let her husband try to fuck someone else. The idea is that he'll fail miserably & learn to appreciate his wrinkly, orange wife again.

OF COURSE maximum consternation ensues. Office Broad thinks Owen is up to his ears in pussy. He's obviously not until the end, where he turns down a skeletal blonde w/bleached hair because he realizes how much he loves the combination of his wife's carrot orange spray tan & her ridiculous red dye job.

My consensus? Suck fest. Maybe I could relate if I was in a shitty relationship & had no life outside of raising children & fighting off my husband's advances.

Fuck You, Chelsea Handler.

The Soup on E! ended & what began? Chelsea fucking Lately. I'm over it! The bitch doesn't even pretend that she's not reading material that some other Jew wrote on a cue card. And what's so cool about drinking vodka all the time. Anybody who drinks all the time is probably a piece of shit.

So I changed that bullshit!

Turns out Kill Bill is on TNT tonight, they appear to leave all the violence in but dub over the cursing, cos THAT'S the real problem.

This movie is fucking awesome. Normally I hate action movies, cos they suck balls & are boring as fuck. I don't wanna watch a bunch of faggots driving cars around real fast, or some dickheads like, fuckin' having fights & shit.

Uma Thurman is made from alien genetics & is superior than normal humans. I accept this. I watch her fight & I'm like, 'I would be murdered in .02 seconds, what a pussy.'.

Also, I like that Darryl Hannah is in this cos I haven't seen her in anything since Splash. I LOVE Splash! God, what a great movie. I hate it for popularizing the girls' name, Madison. How many idiots are named Madison? Whores name babies shit like that.

Red Riding Hood? Are we already out of ideas, Hollywood?

Thank Christ I got cable turned on finally. I've been watching hours of American Pickers & My Strange Addiction. In the midst of shows I saw a preview for a movie called Red Riding Hood. I was appalled by the snippet to the point where it needed documented.

"Little Red Riding Hood", a hood specifically made for riding what I'm going to assume is a horse. If the bitch has a horse, wtf is she doing walking through the woods? The horse totally could have kicked the shit out of a wolf w/o having to miss a step. End of story.

Amanda Seyfreid doesn't impress me as an actress. Her eyes stick out too far & she looks like 50,000 other girls in this country. Plus I've seen her photographed with Ryan Phillipe, he's Lord of the Douches.

2 thumbs way down, Tinseltown. Bring me the Arrested Development movie already!

Another Gay Movie=Stinking Garbage

Since Blockbuster has a horrific selection & its no wonder why they're going out of business, I rented a real Cleveland Steamer last night. I picked 3 titles, one of which was Another Gay Movie, of which I've never heard. I was like "Hey, this could be really clever or really shitty. I'm bored enough to find out.".

This waste of production starts out w/some gay kids' fantasy where he gets railed by his teacher in class. Then it segues to Gay Kid alluding to putting a carrot in a very uncomfortable place, & I don't mean the back of a Volkswagon. So I shut it off. After approximately 5min.

My opinion? Too fucking gay, man. There's a funny way to be gay & a totally disgusting faggoty way. This was that.

Breaking Bad? Breaking my balls.

Since I've moved & had to throw down shit tons of $ to secure a place, I can't afford to have cable until the 11th. Which means I'm limited to DVDs. Most of which I fucking hate.

Tonight's feature is the first episode of Breaking Bad. I thought "hey, might not be totally terrible, since I enjoy Bryan Cranston in things". Yeah! Other things. Not this.

The whole thing was as depressing as possible, a set up of how hopeless & desperate the main character is. That's fine when there's enough humor to balance it out, which there totally wasn't.

Also, there was weird sex in it & I'm not into that.

The high point for me was a song in one of the scenes by my favorite Mexican metal duo, Rodrigo y Gabriela. They are fucking awesome.

In conclusion, I'm glad I didn't pay to watch this & I doubt I'll pursue any further episodes. I'd rather watch Ponyo again.

Spartacus sucks.

I had the misfortune of walking into the end of an episode of the 'hit' show, Spartacus. It inspired me to write a review!

Just so everyone knows, I don't enjoy most attempts made on film & television. Its all crap. Except for what I like, that stuff is good.

Anyway, Spartacus equals weird tits & a dick that was covered in gold paint which was disappointing, they can't ever just show a dick on TV. The only actress I recognized was Xena, Warrior Princess, who appears to be aging well. I wish she acted similarly.

If you're considering Spartacus for your Netflix instant queue, I'd say don't unless you're looking to jerk off to something besides giant fake tits & bald vaginas.